6 Tips to Keep Communication Peaceful and Life-Giving During the Holidays
With Christmas fast approaching, many of us will soon be spending quality time with friends and family celebrating the season together. Hopefully, conversations and communication during these gatherings will be filled with compassion, empathy, and harmony - but, realistically, for most of us, that’s not always the case.
Like any holiday or celebration that brings friends and family together, communication with one another can be tricky to navigate. A Christmas gathering is a gathering of everyone’s internal needs, emotions, motivations, judgments, opinions, and expectations. We all bring all of these things to the party. These are the components involved in communication that are capable of combusting into utter destruction or leading to communication filled with empathy and deep understanding. Hopefully, your holiday gatherings are filled with the latter.
Here are six tips to keep the peace and avoid communication with loved ones that results in tension, hurt, or defensiveness this holiday season. These tips are taken from Marshall B. Rosenberg’s groundbreaking book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. We highly recommend Dr. Rosenberg’s work and encourage you to read to the end to find out more about our upcoming Dialogue Group centered on Dr. Rosenberg’s work and others on the approach of Nonviolent Communication. Here is another helpful link for additional resources from The Center for Nonviolent Communication.
In no way is this list intended to be an exhaustive action plan for nonviolent communication. We hope these tips are helpful this holiday and highly recommend reading and learning about the Nonviolent Communication process and components more extensively through Dr. Rosenberg’s book or a practical workshop like our contemplative dialogue group coming in January, 2024.
The Inevitable Dreaded Tension
You knew it was going to happen. Someone was going to say something that was going to irk you. You’re gathered with family for Christmas like you do every year - brothers, sisters, spouses, kids - some you see fairly regularly, others you only interact with when a holiday brings you together. There’s your brother Dale who flew in yesterday from New Jersey with his girlfriend and two kids from a previous marriage. There’s Nancy and her husband Jerry - they’re hosting again this year in their enormous retirement home on a private golf course. Your mom and dad are here and you’re thankful for that. Dad is in the garage talking about work with your brother Mike. Mom is in the kitchen along with you and Nancy.
Then it happens. Someone says something that sets your inside’s on edge. Usually, on the surface, it sounds like an innocent remark or question - but as soon as you hear it, everything in you goes into defense mode.
Mom says something in her cheery complimentary tone like, “thank you for hosting again this year, Nance, we really do love coming out to your beautiful home for Christmas.”
When you overhear this, your insecurities start bubbling up into not-so-pleasant feelings. You know you should hold in all the things you want to blurt out, but the tension is rising.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Is my house not good enough for you, Mom?
Ohh Yes, let’s shower Nancy with MORE praise!
Then, Mom turns to you and serves up a remark that takes everything in you to not slam back at her: “Isn’t it nice to be able to come out here for Christmas, dear? Nancy and Jerry are such wonderful hosts.”
Here are some “violent” or deconstructive communication options you could respond with:
Something snarky: [rolls eyes] “Oh, yes, I’m so glad someone in the family could afford such a beautiful home with space for all of us!”
Something defensive: “Isn’t my house good enough for you?!”
Something outright offensive: “Yes, who wouldn’t want to spend Christmas admiring MRS. PERFECT!?”
The communication that inevitably happens if one of these statements comes out isn’t ever pretty. Here are some things to think about that might help divert potentially tense conversations and lead to deeper understanding and harmony.
Tip #1: Observe Without Evaluating.
Dr. Rosenberg writes that “observing without evaluating” is the first component of nonviolent communication. In communication, observation is simply an identification of specific behaviors. Observations can be related to the specific words that are being said, but can also be made about nonverbal behaviors as well: gestures, body language, facial expressions, even tone of voice. The difficulty isn’t necessarily in our ability to observe, it’s in our ability to not attach our own interpretations, assumptions, and judgments to those observations.
“For most of us, it is difficult to make observations, especially of people and their behavior, that are free of judgment, criticism, or other forms of analysis.”
In the scenario above, what observations can you make that are free from evaluation, judgment, or criticism?
You can observe what was said and even the tone it was said in.
You might observe that your mom expressed appreciation to Nancy.
You might observe that this appreciation (‘Thank you”) was paired with a compliment about Nancy’s home.
Beyond this and maybe some other small specific details in this scenario, anything else you might attach to these observations is an evaluation that, if communicated, will likely provoke defensiveness and/or retaliation.
Some unhelpful evaluations you could come to in this scenario might sound like:
“You are always complimenting Nancy!”
“You think Nancy is better than me!”
“You play favorites!”
Even if you don’t say anything at all in this situation, separating observations and evaluations can be helpful in growing your own self-awareness in the scenario. You are also involved in this conversation. Even if you keep them to yourself, you know what you wish you could say. But, if you are honest, what are you observing? What additional evaluations, judgments, accusations, or criticisms are you bringing into the dynamic?
Tip #2: Pay attention to your feelings and stop blaming other people for them.
It can also be difficult, at times, to separate our own feelings from our judgments and opinions. Even though the emotion is often right there, just underneath the surface, it can be difficult to find the appropriate word to express or describe what we are feeling - especially in the moment.
Part of this difficulty relates to Tip #1 - we are inclined to rush past observation of an emotion right to our evaluations about that emotion. In other words, we might move right to what we think about an emotion without simply observing or acknowledging the emotion in the first place.
Your first instinct might be to express that you are feeling unappreciated in this moment. However, Dr. Rosenberg writes:
“It is helpful to differentiate between words that describe what we think others are doing around us, and words that describe actual feelings.”
In the situation with your mom and Nancy, what feelings are you experiencing? You might say you are feeling angry or frustrated. These words more adequately describe the emotion you are experiencing. Now that you’ve found words to describe the emotions rising up in you, it is possible to take responsibility for the feelings you are having.
Dr. Rosenberg writes:
“What others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause, of our feelings. We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in that moment.”
Another person (even your mom!) cannot be the cause of a feeling you are experiencing. Your mom can’t make you angry. Instead, you are experiencing anger in response to something your mom said or did. Your mom (and nobody else) is not responsible for the anger you are experiencing. You are. So don’t blame mom for it.
A more nonviolent approach to express the feelings you are having that were triggered by your mom’s statement might focus on your two observations thus far:
“When you … (do this… state observation), I feel ... (emotion).
“When you compliment Nancy’s house, I feel frustrated (angry, upset, hurt, edgy, resentful).”
Once you accept that the feeling that you are having is your feeling and you have taken responsibility for it, you can then choose to continue the statement with an explanation that attributes your feeling to your thinking behind that feeling.
Instead of saying: “I feel angry when you compliment Nancy’s house.”
You might say: “I feel angry when you compliment Nancy’s house because I want you to appreciate my house (and what I can offer) as well.
This second statement begins to uncover the focus of our next tip: our needs.
Tip #3: Pay attention to your needs and whether or not they are being met.
“Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.”
We all have needs. While our experiences and expressions of our needs can vary dramatically from person to person and situation to situation, at our most basic human level, we all share the same needs. Often, the differences we might observe from person to person are differences in behavior as each person relates to whether or not their needs are met or unmet.
Our feelings are directly related to whether or not our internal needs are being met. These needs operate under the surface. We often have trouble speaking directly to the emotions we are experiencing, so seldom do we reach the level of awareness of the needs operating under our feelings. Growing in our awareness of personal needs and connecting those needs to the emotions we are feeling can be liberating to you and to the people you communicate with.
Dr. Rosenberg recommends that, when we are acknowledging and defining the feelings at work within us, we can take this awareness one step further by identifying a potential need that is either being met or unmet. Usually, positive feelings of appreciation, satisfaction, safety, acceptance, etc. are associated with underlying needs that are being met. Likewise, more negative, afflictive emotions like anger, numbness, annoyance, frustration etc. are experienced when we experience our needs as unmet.
Thus, for an afflictive emotion, we might connect our feelings to our unmet need this way: “I feel … [emotion] because I need ...”
Expressing our feelings as they relate to needs can require some vulnerability - yet in that vulnerability, we invite others to interact with our communication in a more compassionate and empathetic way. As Dr. Rosenberg writes, “If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.”
So, what need might be operative under the afflictive emotion you might be feeling with Mom and Nancy. If your reaction to “we really do love coming out to your beautiful home for Christmas” is “Is my house not good enough for you, Mom?!” It certainly appears that there are some unmet needs influencing the feelings rising up in you. So what unmet needs might be operating within you? Is there a need for Mom to recognize you and your achievements as often as she does Nancy’s? Is there a need for affirmation that your home and/or you as host would be equally appreciated? Perhaps there is an unmet need for affirmation or acceptance in some other way. In the end, identifying the unmet need that is causing the negative emotion within you is as much a gift of freedom to you as it could be to the person/people you would otherwise blame for the feelings you should be taking responsibility for.
Empathetically listen for feelings and needs
Here is a bonus tip as it relates to connecting feelings to needs. You can also listen more openly and empathetically by listening for met and unmet needs associated with the feelings of others. Often, when we encounter expressions of emotions from others, positive or negative, we can be quick to either blame ourselves for their feelings or become defensive. Neither of these reactions are constructive or nonviolent. One is self-destructive. The other assumes a posture of self-preservation through defensiveness. Listening to feelings for the needs lying beneath the surface can help alleviate the violent communication all together while showing empathy for the person we are listening to.
Tip #4: Be careful of your assumptions…
Assumptions are easy to make. They often feel like observations, but an assumption is related to what we believe is being implied by what someone else says or does. There are a lot of potential assumptions operating in the scenario we have been analyzing.
One of the more common assumptions we make of others is related to their feelings, especially as those feelings pertain to you. Without a direct statement ever being made, when you hear your mom complimenting Nancy on her beautiful home and how much your mom and dad love visiting for Christmas, you might also believe that this statement implies that your mom doesn’t appreciate your home or what you have to offer as a host as much as they enjoy Nancy’s accommodations. This assumption then leads to your own experience of negative or self-destructive feelings - either aimed at yourself, your mom, or even Nancy.
We also commonly make assumptions about the motivations behind other people’s words or actions. In this scenario, you might assume that your mom was intentionally complimenting Nancy’s home and then reinforcing that compliment by reiterating it to you in order to express an approval for Nancy and an assumed disapproval of you. Again, these assumptions are likely also related to the influence of met and unmet needs operating under the surface.
Whatever the case, and whether or not they are openly or subversively expressed, assumptions about the feelings, motivations, and behaviors of other people are often fodder for defensiveness. At times, assumptions are on par with direct blaming or accusation based on our own negative emotions and unmet needs. When in doubt, it is safer to ask for clarity or to rely on the surface observations as a starting point for interpreting what is truly taking place in communication.
Tip #5: Make requests based on your needs (not demands)
Sometimes, if we only speak to the feelings we are having, it might not be clear what we want the other person to do with them. Even if you have acknowledged your role and responsibility for the feelings you are experiencing and connected those feelings to an underlying need, simply communicating a need may not be enough. You might say, “I am feeling frustrated because I need to feel appreciated for what I have to offer,” and Nancy and your mom might hear this empathetically and still not know how they can respond to your need in a way that might help.
Dr. Rosenberg writes:
“Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want.”
Nonviolent communication is a process that heavily involves our participation in self-awareness. Out of this awareness of our feelings, our needs, and even the ways our unmet needs might lead us to make unfair assumptions about others, we may finally be able to request what Rosenberg describes as “that which would enrich life.” When we are experiencing unmet needs, after we honestly express what we are observing, how those observations make us feel, and connect those feelings with a specific need, we can then use these components to construct a request of the other person that might help us to have our needs met.
When we do this, it is important to distinguish between making a request and making a demand. A demand will likely provoke more negative or destructive responses. A demand assumes that the person we are communicating with doesn’t have a choice. They will either meet our requirements or there will be consequences - “you have to stop gushing over Nancy’s big fancy house so much!”
Instead, define your objective when making requests. Speak to your desire for harmony and empathy in communication and the relationship. Then, make a request that is clear, concise, and worded using positive language. Speak to what concrete action you do want rather than what you don’t want. Using positive language makes the request more precise. A request should also be formulated in a positive way that would meet or address the need that you have identified as unmet. If you have identified an unmet need for appreciation for what you can provide as a Christmas party host, then it is important to make a request that would, indeed, address this need.
For example, a more positive and precise request in this situation would be to request that Christmas be hosted at your house next year. Or, perhaps your request is more directly related to a need that is associated specifically with your relationship with your mom. Maybe the request could be something associated with expressing appreciation for you more often or more directly. If this is the case, it would be even more helpful to offer concrete ways that she could do that. Keep in mind that she can’t read yours.
Tip #6: Express appreciation
We all want to feel seen and appreciated. Often, this desire is so strong that we focus only on our own need for appreciation that we forget that someone else might have the same need as we do. Use this awareness to create a compassionate connection with the person you are communicating with. When someone shares themselves (especially from a vulnerable place), communicate your appreciation for that sharing and that person. Pay attention to the needs and desires that you find yourself searching for from other people and turn that into instructions for how to meet a need for someone else.
Opportunities for appreciation:
When someone clarifies something for you (speaks to their intentions or motivation)
When someone acknowledges your feelings and needs in a situation and honors them as real and legitimate.
When someone asks you to clarify or communicates in a way that suggests their desire to not make assumptions about you. This is often an indication that they are working on their awareness under the surface as well. Making these types of mutual connections can be entry-points to deep relationship building, trust, and compassion.
We wish you a bright & joyous (and peaceful!) Christmas and New Year!
Nonviolent Communication: Contemplative Dialogue Group
We offer Nonviolent Communication periodically throughout the year, in rotation with our other ReWireU courses. Click the button below to learn more about this class and submit your contact information to receive updates about when this course is being offered again!
